there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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