feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
