we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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