don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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