I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
zippers are such a cool invention
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
