wrigley field is MILF paradise
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
