Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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