I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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