i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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