Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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