Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
