Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
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Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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