You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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