Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
