dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
