you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
