i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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