I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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