so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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