Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
