i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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