I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
