He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
