I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
