this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
