i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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