NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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