scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
