You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
