why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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