JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
