lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
