she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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