Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize