Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
