Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
