hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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