I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize