Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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