I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
