Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
