I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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