i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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