I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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