god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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