News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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