I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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