last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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