Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
