Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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