new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
