I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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