When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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