I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
