If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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