Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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