U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
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Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
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I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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