I accidentally had phone sex last night
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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