last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
