Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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