help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
